I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
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*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck: