Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
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Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
…..pretty much.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!