I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
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I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms