My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
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Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
My wedding will be open casket.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌