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#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes