Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
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My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.