I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
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Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Quadruple digit IQ
Pretty much. 🤣
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
*bites zombie*
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.