It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
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Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?