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Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
What about a To-Don’t List?
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?