I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
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[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
I’m aging like a fine banana
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.