They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
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I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
i- i did not expect this
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.