I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
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medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
File under excellent bookstore names.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.