It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
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Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.