Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
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Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Fries, not lies.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.