Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
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Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
this is the best day of my life
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.