[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
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WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”