Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
You Might Also Like
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity