[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
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4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room