[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
You Might Also Like
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Jesus Christ lmao
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.