At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
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Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
I think my mom just blocked me
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.