AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
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As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.