Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
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How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
being a writer on Twitter:
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Anime is real