We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
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I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY