I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
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me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”