A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
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Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg