Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
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my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.