New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
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Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*