As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
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I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
vegan witches, happy halloween!
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Seems legit
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.