a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
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Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”