I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
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I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?