Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
You Might Also Like
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.