*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
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Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”