Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
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“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
dutch is not a serious language
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
I am a gravy boat captain
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.