One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
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I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
omg leave her alone
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Dead sexy!!