Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
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pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
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Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
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Me: Same.