Stonehinge
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I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.