I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
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*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
What’s this sorcery? 😂
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it