[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
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dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
How it started How it’s going
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind