So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
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“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick