I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
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Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.