Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
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Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Good morning!
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time