Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
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girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”