baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
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I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
A Match(.com), but for socks.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH