Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
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me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
oh my god
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.