Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
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My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.