Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
You Might Also Like
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd