The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
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Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.