If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
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[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Wednesday
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.