[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
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Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
this isn’t threatening at all
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.