[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
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Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
How to properly lift a body
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Just a friendly reminder!
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok